who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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