Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Do you still have your period?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
