We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
