She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
