I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
