He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My dick has a subreddit
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
