i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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