Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
