At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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