Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
