Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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