1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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