They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
