There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
