dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
