and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
