went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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