dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
