I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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