i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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