an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
