hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
