I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
