Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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