the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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