If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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