I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
