I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
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I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
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I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.