Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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