So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
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If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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