Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
