I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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