you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Randomize
