That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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