For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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