Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
