woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Randomize
