I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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