I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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