I cockslap morals
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
