Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
