I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
