I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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