Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
