i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just found puke in my bra..
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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