i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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