when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
