I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
