She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize