I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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