how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
