I want you more than these girls want KFC
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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