i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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