I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
