I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
