I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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