Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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